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And a Star to Steer Her By

Confidence –the magic word, the secret ingredient that fundamentally alters perception. You need it when you step out onto that high wire without a net. But it can’t be something manufactured to mask fear and insecurity, it has to be genuinely felt. Which means you need to be constantly measuring yourself against consensus reality, yet knowing when consensus reality is wrong. In some fields, quality is objectively measurable but in the arts, so much is time and culture-bound. Then again, there’s always Sonny Tufts.

So how does one know when and where one needs improvement, especially in a profession famous for its backbiting and folly? For years, my external measurement was ajrose93 whose insight, brilliance and honesty were never in doubt. Learning can be a brutal, humbling experience, but it’s the only way to progress, which is why so few ever go beyond a certain journeyman status. I’m prepared to take the path, but am uncertain where to find it. Maybe this is my call out to the universe: I’ve hit a barrier and need to know how to get around it, how to take that next step. What perfect timing for the Spring Equinox to invite change across the threshold.

Well, bibliomancy didn’t help: Liber Liberi vel Lapidis Lazuli, I:53. O my God, spare me!

And a second drawing at the Ape of Thoth was no better: The Book of the Inlaws, II:27. There is danger in this verse, for whoso does not give it to his editor shall make a great mess. He shall stumble into the pit called Writers Block, and there he shall reason with the Xaos.



( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 21st, 2012 11:50 pm (UTC)
Worse and More of It
And then I did a tarot card spread which was weird and bad. Go figure. I guess I'll have to hunker down and see.
Mar. 22nd, 2012 05:07 pm (UTC)
Hi Cath,

I'm not smart enough to know an answer. I can just say I know the feeling. When is criticism or praise valid, and when isn't it? How do you grow without a tool to measure it by?

We just move along because we can't go back. We have to accept that "mistakes [will be] made" and try not to let our pursuit of perfection stymie us into being paralyzed from moving on, regardless of speed or success.

Keep going back to the tool kit you and AJ built. Make compromises or don't. Have regrets or don't. Give yourself permission to fall down or don't.

Of all the people in the universe, you are the one I turn to as my measuring stick when I hit a barrier that my instincts don't guide me through. Be strong every minute or don't. Cry or don't. Recover or don't.

I sure do send you thoughts of love and strength.

Mar. 26th, 2012 10:11 pm (UTC)
Let this be a lesson in magick. A couple days later, I learned a good friend was going through a particularly difficult time, facing serious rejection but not telling anyone. When she finally told me, I replied, then I got your tarot card spread. Kinda like what Phil Dick told the Nixon White House when he got the fortune cookie warning that all his secrets were going to come out. Since that moment, things have gotten clearer. It's often the people closest to you who have the greatest ability to mess with your psyche, not your enemies against whom you should already have psychic defenses in place.

Edited at 2012-03-27 06:13 pm (UTC)
Sep. 13th, 2013 07:26 pm (UTC)
With the Autumnal Equinox coming up, I decided to review previous entries in the light of subsequent events. Several months after posting this one, I got a call from a friend who had heard my lament about acting classes in this town. She had been taking one and felt I should look into it. I signed up for the introductory seminar which took about 8 months to occur and am now in my 5th month of study. My complaints about too much stress on the analytical (I am already too forebrain) are being answered by "acting from the neck down" as Stephen Book has described his improvisational technique for scripted dialogue. My friend was also right that it takes about 6 months to really begin to see the positive effect as it is taught in layers for more organic development. My cri de coeur to the universe was therefore answered.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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