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Slow Learner

Maybe it’s just the (likely) last wave of Saturn returns that have finally jogged me out of the torpor of grief in which I have been wallowing for so long. Although friends have commended me on “getting on with my life” there’s the physical act of making efforts to fill the empty hours and actually finding a vivid life of one’s own. To Socrates’ “unexamined life is not worth living” I would like to add that neither is the unfelt life. Either open up all the way and let life do its best or dirtiest or you are not really getting your nickel’s worth.

Grief is like a fog that hugs you, keeping the outside world at arm’s length, like the time I was hit in the head with a tuba – a story for another day – dazed and hearing voices like I was at the bottom of a well, expecting to spit out teeth. I didn’t lose consciousness but I wasn’t truly present either, as now. But in the last few months I have begun to experience intense feelings and not simply ones of sorrow but of unadulterated joy, excitement, urgency, hilarity, desiring that intensity again. Time is running out and I must grab life by the throat or lose the point of it. The irony is that this discovery came out of my spending more time alone at home, working on projects, catching up on films, cleaning out closets, reading books that had been stacking up. I suppose that is as meditative as spending 40 days and nights in the desert, giving the mind time to ruminate and make its own discoveries organically. I don’t know what’s out there or what I’m going to do about it just yet but I have done the mental preparative work to emerge from that cocoon and stand sword ready to do battle with or alongside the Fates. The last time Saturn came ‘round, I quit my job, left my friends and relations, moved 2,000 miles to a strange land and met the most wonderful man. I doubt it will be quite so dramatic this time but keep watching this space.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
senryu
Jan. 29th, 2014 12:42 am (UTC)
Again, either renewed attention or the universe kicking my ass provides an appropriate rejoinder:

This earth will grow cold,
a star among stars
and one of the smallest,
a gilded mote on blue velvet—
I mean this, our great earth.
This earth will grow cold one day,
not like a block of ice
or a dead cloud even
but like an empty walnut it will roll along
in pitch-black space . . .
You must grieve for this right now
—you have to feel this sorrow now—
for the world must be loved this much
if you’re going to say “I lived”. . .

- Nazim Hikmet
senryu
Feb. 28th, 2014 11:40 pm (UTC)
"Fear not: We will remember that we have a heart when we allow the world to break it, for within the wound itself, a space will be cleared for the future." - Phil Rockstroh
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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