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Revelations

The thing about astrological transits is that they give you a handle on the various forces buffeting or buoying your life. They're never quite what you expect, but they play out with eerie accuracy when viewed in retrospect (though I have learned to take the "accident prone" ones literally). The benefit of foreknowledge is more on an abstract level, to recognize opportunities, accept change or batten down the hatches for rough waters ahead.

It's only in the past couple months that I feel I have been emerging from a dark cave, surprised at the touch of sunlight and wind on my exposed skin. While "some things never heal, some wounds go too deep," I have begun unconsciously to shuck off my protective cocoon and re-emerge into the normal world. The urgency of passing time and of necessary tasks yet to complete goads me onwards.

What prompts this rumination is a series of vivid dreams I've been experiencing that make no sense in and of themselves but the pattern within seems to be underscoring the direction I must take in waking life. I have miles to go before I sleep, so I need to hop to it. Demands on my energy and time made by friends and others were things I acquiesced to most of my life. Only when I reached a breaking point did I forgo or walk away from them. That is a pattern I must break now. I'm not saying friends are superfluous or that I don't need companionship from time to time, but rather that I already possess a reservoir of love enough to carry me to the end of my days. Insofar as friends want to come with me on my journey, they are welcome but insofar as they represent a detour or stopover, I need to find the courage to tell them no.

It is such a novel experience for me, I at first lacked the confidence to accept the consequences of my own Will. But reflection and recent insight thanks to a new acquaintance have clarified and emboldened me. This revelation may seem rather prosaic to most, but to someone who has spent so many years deferring, shortchanging or compromising her goals for whatever reason, a pattern that is a part of who I am but that had also been reinforced by an overbearing, guilt-inducing family, it has been a soft tectonic shift. This is not a panegyric for selfishness, but rather a recognition of karmic debts paid, that sense of finally attaining one pointedness, unassuaged of purpose and delivered from the lust of result.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
keshaphim
Feb. 9th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
Love you.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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